Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
