Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
