Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
