Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
i've created a new STD.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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