pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
