You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
