we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
