At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
