I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
