I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
