dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
