yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
