did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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