Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
