By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
