i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
