Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
