my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
