I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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