I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
