im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
