he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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