she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
