Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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