You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
