Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
