Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
