I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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