Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
