It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
