you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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