Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
