He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
