It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
