What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
