If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
