seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
