So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
