someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you inspire me to be a worse person
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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