I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
