Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
