New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
