yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
