You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
