I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
