I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
