Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
