I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
