It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
