Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Quick, to the slutcave!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
