Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
